It's just not the best fit for me right now...

A disastrous southwest monsoon rain, almost more extreme than the typhoon Ondoy in 2009, has just struck most parts of Luzon in the last 3 days and has kept most of us awake to monitor our area for probable flooding, which eventually did happen although not as extreme as the flood that Ondoy caused our area. It has caused suspension of classes and even work in public and private offices. And it has ruined by biological clock causing me not to feel asleep as of this time (1:45am) and causing my mind to run thoughts over my current situation.

Currently, I carry the title "audit senior" in the internal audit department of Philippine Fire and Marine Insurance Corporation. Now that may sound accomplishing, but it doesn't seem that way for me. I was so excited when I accepted this job because I knew there was so much to learn, plus the fact that I would have to travel to conduct branch audits. Well, I know I don't have the right to complain, and I don't want this blog to seem like a list of my rantings about my work, but I have to admit my current work is not the best fit for me right now.

I have been dragging myself every morning to go to work. My heart often felt heavy and, to be honest, the work suspension and the flood caused by the heavy rains made me feel glad I had good reasons not to go to the office. It was too selfish and evil of me, but during the rainy days my mind went "go on rain, pour it out and flood our area so I won't have to go to work..." I already asked forgiveness for my selfish thoughts. I knew it wasn't right to pray for that, but I just couldn't help it.

My friends at KPMG recently got promoted as audit supervisors last July 31, 2012. I can't deny I somehow felt envious with them and that's just making my negative feelings worst. I've been thinking if I've made a mistake of resigning from my previous work and accepting the one I'm currently in. I really don't want to think about it that way but it lingers in my mind sometimes. What if I didn't resign? What if I'm one of those who got promoted? Right now I've been wanting to work in Ortigas or somewhere not in Makati so that I can separate myself from them and forget about the negative thoughts that promotion has been causing me. I know I don't have time for regrets, and I should find a way to move on with my life.

I've been employed there for 3 months now. I knew I had to address my situation before its gets worst, so I took the courage of speaking with my manager about it. What I needed was enough guidance over my work, but since he's been too busy, he won't have enough time for what I needed. I'm not blaming him for my current work situation, it just happened that I'm in the position of an "Audit Senior" and as an audit senior I should be able to handle what I couldn't handle right now. Maybe it's because I lack the experience of handling supervisory tasks and suddenly being deployed into such kind of work. That is my analysis of what's happening to me. So the only solution I had in mind is resignation. On the day that I planned to open up with my manager, I felt really nervous but decided to say it anyway. I was able to, and he accepted it graciously although he wouldn't allow me to go unless I have another job to land. Well, I'm still blessed with a boss who thinks about the welfare of his subordinate. I have submitted my application with San Miguel Properties, Inc. and had undergone 2 interviews already. I'm waiting for their call for another set of interview. I'm really hoping that I'd be hired and that the hiring process would be fast so that I can move on with my life.

It's not over yet...

As everyone says, moving on is never easy. And I guess I wouldn't get over him that easy. Yes, I have realized that it isn't just the right time and the right thing for me. But unconsciously, my heart still longs for him. Or maybe this is just over-reaction with my dream about him last night. Or this is also normal, a girl who misses one of her closest friends. Well, I just missed him already. I hope there's a way I could let him know without me feeling awkward about it.

Yesterday, it was the first time I was able to spend time chatting with my new office mates during lunch break. It was nice that I finally had the chance to talk with them because for the first three weeks I was only smiling, staring and feeling too shy to share my own stories because I was a new employee. They were talking about their boy friends and I had the nerves to ask about their stories. Then, the question was passed on to me and so the usual no-boyfriend-since-birth story of mine was brought up. They asked me why I never had a boyfriend and I used my strict-parents as my excuse. Then they started suggesting that I start looking for a boyfriend cause it's fun to be in a relationship. They asked me what type of guy am I looking for.

I couldn't answer. I couldn't say it but what was in my mind that time is that I am not looking for some other guy, because I was waiting for someone. It turns out that I am still waiting. After all the realizations, here am I, still waiting. And he was the person that came in to my mind. 

Anyway, I would never go out there and look for someone to be my boy friend. I'm not that kind of girl. I know that God has someone reserved for me. And no matter what others say, I will always believe that God will reveal that person to me at the right time, and I don't need to look for it. I just have to pray for it. :)

Love and Let Go. Let Go and Let God.

"Don't leave me hanging,

If there's something, let me know,

Cause I have been waiting,

And my hands are about to let go.."

These were the few words that kept lingering in my mind for quite a long period of time. I even tried to make up a poem out of it. Something that would describe how we started as classmates, then became seatmates, and eventually ended up being close friends. I imagined the latter part of the poem narrating how I slowly fell for him but tried to resist the feeling because I didn't want to lose our friendship. But then the feeling grew stronger that I couldn't deny it anymore. Then the lines above would be the last lines, unless the day comes that he tells me he feels for me too. I would then be able to add a few stanzas to unfold how fast my heart beat would have been, how wide the smile in my face could have been, and how happy I should have been because the long years of waiting has finally come to an end, and someone has finally grabbed my hands off the thin line from which I have been hanging for too long and placed it safely into his own hands.

That was how I have imagined it to be...

But I knew the reverse wasn't impossible to happen. And instead of my hands being pulled off the string, I could also let go of it on my own because it could be not worth the wait anymore. Or before I could let go, he might cut the string and let me fall with no one there to catch me. However the reverse of it may be, it would not cause the fast heart beat, the big, wide smile, nor the happiness that comes after the long wait. 

And now it has clearly dawned at me--the opposite of what I have dreamed about. The long wait has ended, yes, but not in the way that I wished it could have been. I could no longer fight for it. I felt like I was trying to hold on to something that he wasn't willing to hold on to. It has caused me pain for quite a while now and I realized it wasn't worth it anymore.

Strangely, the fall doesn't seem to hurt too much, as compared to how painful the wait has been. Maybe it's because I knew all along that, although I wished for it, I wasn't ready for it. It wasn't the right time yet, and convincingly not the right thing for me (or the right person, I should say). It hurts, yes it does. Even more when I see someone else playing the role that once was mine--the good old friend who would never leave his side and would always try to be there for him because his friendship meant so much to her, or because she has already fallen in love with him. Pathetic it may seem, but that was how I have been, and I don't regret that. That was how I felt like doing, and deep within me I hoped that he felt the same way for me. 

I just hope that my friendship with him wouldn't end, although I can see clearly how our closeness is fading slowly, and it grieves me. It makes me want to be in an accident where I would lose my memories and then I would be able to start all over again. But I guess that escape isn't available for me. And I'm just thankful that while I'm having all these ache in my heart (add up the burden of my work which I haven't learned to appreciate yet), God has surrounded me with a loving family and true friends, who I know would never let me fall, or at least, would catch me if I fall.

And now, the words that used to linger in my mind have been revised. It goes like this:

"You've left me hanging,

And I guess it's time to let go.

It doesn't matter if I'm hurting,

At least I've learned to love and to let go."

I know God has someone prepared for me. And while I'm waiting for the right one and the right time, I'll be busy preparing myself to be the right one at the right time. :)